Limitless

"What if a pill could make you rich and famous?," reads the poster for this thriller. I used to take that pill in college! It made me really into, like, everything. Child Psych; I'm hitting the stacks for like nineteen hours, dancing; the beat was never fast enough, 'sexting'; it was on. Juice fasts were a breeze! I loved yoga class! The only bad things were muscle spasms, heart palpitations, and being so tired (but that only happened after). I'm not sure why Niel Burger is going through the trouble of making a high intensity film about a pill almost anyone can get by telling a psychologist they're bored! I know three year olds with the hook up. But it's kinda just a college thing.

Blue Valentine

It’s really hard for me to write this review because every time I think about this film I want to go back to sleep or at least stuff myself with chocolate until I no longer feel. Imagine “The Notebook”, re-imagined as an indie with a soundtrack by Grizzly Bear and the camera-work less cinematic more “Kourtney and Kim” style real-life. “Blue Valentine” is a film an NPR listener can be proud to wipe their sloppy face on their shirt over. Finally, a thought-provoking tear-jerker. Of thoughts like, “Love is everything,” and “Whhhy???”  
Michelle Williams takes great advantage of her perma-I-just-stopped-crying-face while Gosling embodies the dream all-American boy-next-door that you never had because your neighbor was a skinny bald man who compulsively renovated his house for his dead mother while living in the garage. The twist ending- spoiler alert- everything beautiful dies. Ow. My heart hurts really bad. I felt like I was their happy child- whose parents didn't get divorced and steal each other's licence plates in fits of vindictive rage. But that illusion has been ripped away from me. I wish there was a hole inside my matress I could crawl inside.

True Grit

Anyone who went to College knows that the Coen brothers are the best. It's definitely a better thing to say on line at Joe's coffee than Greg Berlanti, who did "Life as we Know it" which I saw on a plane, trust me.

One time I actually got to have coffee with Joel Coen. I don't remember what he said because the whole time all I heard was my voice shrieking "I'm having coffee with Joel Coen!" Also, I was just coming off of a kinda culty hallucinogen-fuelled stink in Maui and was pretty deep into conspiracy theories. So I was really amped to pitch my film idea, "Why is the Government Trying To Poison Me?" It was going to be topical and eye opening but also funny. Anyways he didn't bite or answer any further corespondance.

Regarding "True Grit", I definitely feel some Oscar vibration around this olde-timey dust-kicker. The Coen's take on the classic American pirate genre is refreshing and ripe for our times, where everyone admires pre-teen girls. Will Hailey Stienfield win for best actress? Probably not, but she might drive drunk a lot. Will Matt Damon be the cutest? Always.

That's all I've got for you folks! I didn't even see it! And "Pirates of the Caribbean" was better!

The King's Speech

 I, like Colin Firth's character, was born with a speech impediment (which by the way is a hard word to pronounce). In first grade I was put in speech class for my adorable lisp, a name which mocks those with the condition. My best friend and block-corner-buddy Jared Goldman was in the class too because he couldn't say "r"s. I don't know if there's a name for that but it's probably something like "rerurrarow" and all over Chinese menus. It was fun because there were only four of us and my nice speech teacher, who my mom said was a drunk, would pull us out of real school and we'd play matching games with flash cards. I loved being disabled. I got special attention and people would make squielly noises when I spoke like I was tickling their "cute" button. But my mom said it wouldn't be cute when I was old (just like she said eating off other people's plates wouldn't be cute when I was fat). And so I learned to speak "normally" and be treated "normally" and eat only off of my plate. That's socialization for you.

Colin Firth is way cuter when he talks like a deaf person. But to be King, he must assume the persona. Through the use of fun games like naming things in a workbook, Firth learns to be like everyone else but even better because he is King. This is a story of transformation. A great watch if you had a speech impediment too, because you can zone off and remember stuff like when Jared tried to say Reggie's name!

No Strings Attached

Natalie Portman just wants to have sex. Aston Kutcher has feelings. Everything is upside down in this hilarious romance. At one point Kutcher references "The Way We Were" while eating ice cream in bed and singing with a brush for a microphone! While sure to make you laugh, this film may find you longing for simpler times, when romantic comedies reinforced gender steriotypes and Carey Grant was like "you're so silly let me turn you into a wife!" A fun vacation to make-believe world, but too unrealistic to have any real meaning, I mean come on- a female doctor?!?

The Rabbit Hole

My friends at Sarah Lawrence put on this play because the playwright David Lindsay-Adair went to SLC, along with Craig Lukas and Yoko Ono (rumored to have donated the Tofuti machine!). You all should have seen it. Daryl Elerby was so funny! We did improv together so I was like go do your thing girl! Oh, I forgot! To raise money they held a raffle and raffled off the most hilarious things! Katie O spent all her money for the once in a life-time opportunity to go out to Applebees and get drunk with Daryl in costume, pregnant belly and all! Can you imagine the funny reactions? And Applebees is so low class! Oh wow, College was just non-stop laughs hiding my insecurity! Now I'm lonely and insecure! But I'm laughing way harder, all the time, it actually hurts. 

The Social Network

This film is my Oscar pick for most boring. I went to a networking event once and all anyone wanted to talk about was their consulting firms. Casting is another miss for this snoozer. Timerberlake in glasses is like when I put a tie on my dog Rosie; She was still stupid! And less cute than in "Bye, Bye, Bye." The less famous actor on the poster looks like he believably knows how to make an excell spreadsheet. I could see him at a networking event. And that is precisely why I won't be social "networking" this Oscar season!